I am tired of putting a smile on my face and telling people that everything is fine and I am doing good. Don’t we all do that at some point? Realistically how many of us aren’t doing well and have numerous issues consuming them at that very moment?
Sometimes I feel like a ghost walking around my house, just watching everything going on inside, but not really taking any part in it. As parents we learn to tune kids out and yes even our spouse or significant other, but it’s so much more than that. I see my kids talking to me and my head is everywhere else, but there with them. Mouths moving, hands flailing and eyes rolling… Yes I see it all, but do I care?
I feel like this empty shell that just can’t get fulfilled. Why? Good question. I live with my third husband, obviously that makes me an automatic failure at relationships, especially since I’m only 37. I have three kids 17, 16 and 9 and my oldest daughter decided to move 300 miles away three years ago to be with her dad. In the midst of all that she left her sister. Her sister didn’t want to go and her dad didn’t want her there either, because she looks too much like me and acts too much like me. Do I dislike the man? You bet, he could fall off the earth and I think it would be a much happier place. Honestly though, I have never felt that way about anyone, I used to adore the guy. Hell I must have if I married him! We were married for 7 years and then I found out that he was cheating on me for almost half of them. Stupid, naive, dumb? Yes I was definitely all three. Love is blind as they say, but in my experience love is stupid.
I met husband number 2 and he was the complete opposite of my first husband and I think that’s why I was so attracted to him. He was the bad boy, did things that shouldn’t be done and treated me like shit. Some how I seemed to like it, because even though he treated me that way he still could make me feel like a princess. We had this physical chemistry that I don’t think I’ve ever had with anyone. He was a phenomenal lover, but a terrible husband and parent to our son. He was an alcoholic and drug user, but held down a full-time job that paid very well. Was he interested in someone else? There were lots of someone elses in his world, but he always came back to me. He was a guy right? Out on the prowl looking for something better and hotter, but eventually realized that he was stuck with me. Stuck you ask? Financially we depended on each other and if we were going to break things off it was going to be something very hard for the both of us.
Eventually one night I dropped my daughters off at ballet class and came back home to make dinner for my husband and son. I went over to the computer to check my email and there it was! Everything that I had thought in my head was on paper in front of me. A letter from “one” of the girls he was seeing. Heartbreaking, although I don’t know why because I did know in my heart that he was messing around, but this was proof. So when you have proof what do you do? You confront him right? That is what I did and here is when my “A-HA” moment takes place.
Jack you know that I found a letter from Ginny right?
You are so full of shit, you just want to look for reasons to break up with me?
I’m done Jack I can’t keep doing this, back and forth. Now I know for certain that you have been with her and Michelle.
Next he pulls out a knife and puts it up to my neck. Panic floods over me, not because I have this blade up against my neck, but because my 2 1/2 year old son just walked into the kitchen.
Daddy are you going to cut my mommy? Are you? Mommy is daddy going to cut you?
What the hell do you do at that point? I freaked out, there was my little boy witnessing this whole thing. I had totally failed as a mother.
Jack please let me go our son does not need to see this ok? Please.
He is just staring into my soul and I push with everything I had and grabbed Milo’s hand and we ran for the front door. He didn’t follow us, but that picture will forever be engraved in my head and my son’s.
I hate when people say: why do people stay with people like that? Why don’t they just leave? Why do they put up with that? If that was me I would never tolerate that shit. What’s wrong with women like that?
Believe me when I say, I used to say the same things until I was actually in the relationship myself.
What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is what people say and I guess I have to say that I believe them. I’ve grown from every experience and learned from all my stupid mistakes. However, I still make numerous mistakes daily! Big surprise there.
My husband now, well we had a rocky start. We met in 2001, but it wasn’t time for us to be together yet. I believe in fate, in case anyone is wondering. After my A-ha moment and I moved back into my old house, I gradually got back into the dating scene. How people do that, is beyond me. It is SO crazy! How do you meet people, where do you meet people, is the internet a good place to look? Needless to say I tried all of them. From people telling me, “Oh you and so and so would be a great couple.” To connecting with people on MySpace. That is how I met Bryan. We connected again after 7 years and he asked me over for dinner. I went and things seemed to be working out nicely, but there was one hitch…I can’t have more kids. Bryan doesn’t have any children and he was only 29 at the time, so he broke up with me. I can’t say that I blamed him, I would want a chance to at least try to have children. It broke my heart, but I dated other guys and after about a month Bryan called me. We decided to start over and that’s where I am today. He is one of the best things that have happened to me and because I’ve went through so much shit in my life, I feel like I’m constantly on the edge and ready to slip off. Do I deserve happiness? When is the rug going to be pulled out from under me?
Sucks to feel that crappy about yourself, but I come with lots of baggage and like I said before ALL my experiences have made me who I am today.
My daughter leaving three years ago, did that bother me? Oh my gosh for months I thought that I was literally dying. I couldn’t believe that she left and wanted to be with her dad and not me. In my mind I had these wonderful kids and we had great times, but she wanted to try it with her dad. It felt like someone just stuck their hand right through my chest and ripped out my heart and I watched it beating in the Magistrate’s hand as he made the decision. I learned at that moment what hate was, and I hated my ex. He was a jack ass and still is, I never said bad things about him to the kids growing up because he was their dad and he was a good guy (or at least I thought). What kind of father takes one daughter, but doesn’t fight for the other one? She would have never left to go there, but that is beside the point. Who does that? He doesn’t call on her birthday, hell he doesn’t call period. So many nights I lay in bed and wonder, how this is going to change her life or affect her in the future. Will she trust men, will she have stable relationships? I sucked in that department, I wasn’t the best example for picking out great guys. By the time I did, my oldest daughter decided that was enough.
I guess everyone comes with a story and this is part of mine. I have so many more, but for today I think that is enough….