Secrets are made to be found out in time…

Secrets, we all have them.  Some of us are an open book and others keep things locked down, but even those of us that are an open book still have something hanging over our head.  Maybe it’s something simple like going 5-10 mph over the speed limit every day on our way to work or maybe it’s something darker like cheating on a significant other.

Don’t you think with time, that eventually your secret will come full circle and someone will find out?  Because with secrets there are lies and how can one person keep up with the magnitude of lies that it takes to cover up deep, dark secrets.  I’m sure at this point you are probably wondering, “Wow what kind of secret is she hiding?” or maybe you are thinking of the one that you are hiding as well.

I have a lot of secrets…. Why do I have them?  I guess because I feel inadequate and I feel like if someone knew everything about me they definately wouldn’t like me.  What types of things do I keep away from my family?  I guess one of my biggest secrets is that I was raped when I was in the Army.  A lot of people are aware of this, but what they don’t know is that I can’t stand being touched.  I lie and have told boyfriends and my spouse that I love it when they touch me, but in fact my skin crawls.  I hate that, because when I am touched it should feel good and I should like it.  I’m talking about things as simple as a hug and it reminds me of that day that was taken from me.

That is one of my many secrets.  What would my husband say if he knew this?  Would he tell me, “Baby I understand, maybe we should work on this together.” or would he be mortified to know that every time he puts his hands on me I want to scream?

My best friend that I have talked about before, tries to touch me every time he sees me.  I literally just want to puke, why can’t he keep his hands off me?  Am I doing something wrong?  I’m not though, I have thought about it and replayed numerous days that we have done things together and I have never done anything to lead him on and when he has tried to touch me I tell him no, but it’s like he thinks it’s funny so it makes him try harder….

Secrets….  Do we keep things from our kids?  Maybe they won’t see us the same way if they knew we tried drugs in school or we slept with however many people.  How would they find out anyway right?  Plus, according to all the best psychologists we are supposed to parent our kids and not be their friends.  I disagree, I think you can parent your kids and be their friend.  I try to be as open and honest with my daughters as I can, because I want them to make smart choices as they are getting older.

Secrets….Do they linger in the shadows?  Are they hidden away in our drawers underneath the clothes?  Does someone else know about it and they hold it over your head?  Will they eventually come back to haunt us?

What secret are you keeping?  Are you sure that no one else knows about it?  Sometimes it’s better just to put it out there, instead of waiting for it to rear it’s ugly head.  Because then it may destroy numerous lives and not just yours.

The Best Friend Dilemma

Best friends or more?

     I have always been a firm believer that guys and girls can be “just” friends.  Growing up, my best friends were guys.  They are just not as vindictive as women.  I trusted them and they liked me for me.  I didn’t have to wear something special for them, or feel like I had to impress them I was just me.  With women it’s different we are always comparing ourselves to other women.  Right?  Look at her she is skinnier than me, she is prettier than me, she has really done something with her life…. Blah, Blah, Blah.  We suck as friends.  I’m saying woman to woman, because any female friendship that I’ve had except one has led to devastation and heartache.

     Why do we do this to each other?  I have no idea…. Self-esteem issues? Who knows, but women are catty and moody.  Guys are just guys, you take them for what they are and most of them don’t hide their “true” self to their best friends.

     So where am I going with this you ask?  I have had an incredible guy friend for the last 4 1/2 years.  I love him!  He makes me laugh, he is always there for me and he is totally committed to me.  So here is where the problem starts, did you notice I said “totally committed to me?”  I am married now and he was around when I met my husband and has since become friends with him as well.  The problem is…he loves me.  Everyone knows it including my kids.  I’m sure my husband is aware of it, but he never is jealous (which to me is very strange).  My friend will call him “John”, never in our early years of becoming friends did he mention that he was attracted to me or wanted to even date me.  We have always just been friends…

     When did I really notice it?  I invited him to be part of the wedding party, if I could have had a man Maid of Honor it would have been him.  He helped me shop and encouraged me when I was feeling overwhelmed.  I didn’t have a bachelorette party so he took it upon himself to take me out the weekend before the wedding.  His whole family went to the comedy club and to the dance club afterwards.  John never made a move, never touched me the wrong way.  I just didn’t see it until the wedding…

     John was one of the groomsmen, but he took care of seating people and the odds and ends.  When I walked down the aisle I noticed him staring at me, I passed a smile and nervously walked to my soon- to- be husband.  The ceremony was over and it was time for the after party.  As the wedding party arrived, I kept hearing him tell everyone, “isn’t she beautiful, God she looks gorgeous, isn’t she stunning?”  I guess I thought it was a little strange, but he was my best friend.

     We danced together and laughed together as friends do, but I noticed something different in his eyes.  He loved me and I broke his heart.  This was a person that had been through some rough times with me, stood by me during surgeries after a car accident, was at court the day my daughter decided to live 300 miles away with her dad.  So was my soon-to-be husband.  Strange?  Now that I look back on it, yes I guess it was.  But he was my best friend and I loved him.  He was doing what any other best friend would do right?

     I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and things with John are different.  He still does all those things and is still committed to me, but that’s the problem.  I feel like I’m holding him back from having a relationship with someone else, because it’s like it’s his life goal to make me happy.  Did I mention that his daughter and mine are really good friends?  I watched them grow up over the last 4 1/2 years and cutting off our friendship would cut off my daughter’s as well.

     Why would I even think of cutting off our relationship?  When I’m around him, I’m nervous to be around him.  He has become very touchy, feely and I have addressed this with him before and he kind of just brushes it off.  So I wait awhile before I text him back and try to put some distance between us, but when we get together to hang out he just does the same thing.  When we are together he tells me, “you are so beautiful, do you know that?”  (I hate being told that, because I am not comfortable with myself).  He tries to buy me things and always wants to be where I am.

     I’m sure some of you reading this would think, “wow that really sounds like a problem, not!”  For me it is, because he is my best friend but I feel like little by little I have to let go.  I always thought guys and girls could be friends, but why do some push for more?

     The weird part about the whole thing, is that my husband doesn’t really seem to give two shits.  Other guys that I’ve been with, have always had some jealousy, but not him.  It just doesn’t bother him.  Why does that bother me?  Because I’ve told him before the things that John has been doing and how he is making me uncomfortable and how I’ve tried to discuss it with him.  My husband just says, I’m sure it will all work out and don’t worry about it.

     Well let me tell you something, if I knew that my husband was hanging out with his best “girlfriend” and she was touching him, we would have a problem.  I would be pissed!  I would let him know that I’m pissed and if he doesn’t stop seeing her then we are FINISHED!

     Double standard?  Maybe, but I feel like I’m in a no win situation.  How do I let my best friend go after all the things we’ve been through together?  Obviously my talks haven’t changed how he acts around me and I’ve even told him that I’m worried I’m holding him back from having a real relationship.  He just laughs.

     It is awkward being in the middle of two guys that love you completely.  No I don’t boast about it if that’s what you’re thinking, it sucks.  Because in the end I will always choose my husband, but somehow John has got to understand that.