Kidney donation

Ok…. So it has been forever since I have been on here, let’s just say a lot has happened in the mean time.

I’m struggling like hell with the weight issue… I’ve been working out and trying to watch what I eat and what time I eat at night.

Now that that’s off my chest, there are other things that have been going on…  The spring semester at  school ended for me and I made the Dean’s list. (Good thing, because I really need to keep my scholarships).  One of my husband and I’s good friends is really sick.  He had a kidney transplant around 9 years ago from his dad and around December of last year, his kidney started failing.  He is now on dialysis 4 times a day and really not feeling well.  Everyone in his family tested, because the first time he needed one they were all a match, but now because he has his dad’s kidney things in his body changed and he isn’t a match with anyone in his family.  I thought that I would go and get tested, little did I realize that I would be a match.  Everyone was excited and then the process of a huge physical, lots of bloodwork and social worker interviews later, I’m cleared to be a living donor.

I’m really excited to be helping out our friend, but I am a little nervous.  We really wanted to have this done in July, but because of doctors vacations, etc the hospital was unable to help us out with this.  I am missing the second week of school (luckily all of my teachers have given me the ok) and praying to be able to go back the following week.  This is I guess what makes me the most nervous, I don’t want to get behind in nursing school because it’s so hard to get caught back up and another big thing is I wanted to really lay low.  I didn’t want people to know that I was the one donating to our friend, but he posted it and now everyone in our town knows.  Why does it bother me?  I don’t know I just like to be me and I’m not comfortable with myself as it is.  Now I have people come up to me and thank me and tell me I’m doing a selfless thing.  I just see it as helping a good friend, I would like to think that a lot of people would do the same thing.

Then in the middle of all this…we are trying to adopt.  We were doing the foster to adopt thing and I think I mentioned before that we tried for over two years without success, but after searching and talking to numerous adoption agencies we have decided on one and started the process.  The whole birthmother letter and writing our profile is the hardest thing I’ve ever done.  It is CRAZY! So we had to hire someone to help us, which I guess is somewhat normal.  I’m not getting any younger and my husband is an amazing dad to my kids, I would love to raise a child with him but my body just can’t do that anymore.

Back to the kidney…After all the bloodwork I found out that I’m healthy for the most part, but my cholesterol is a little high.  This runs in our family and that was part of the reason that I have been working on my weight, because I don’t want to end up on medication like everyone else in my family.  For all of you out there trying to lose weight, I’m right there with you to say it SUCKS.  It feels like you take two steps forward and ten steps back.  I hate the way that I look, we are on vacation and I refuse to be in the pictures because I feel disgusting.  It’s 99 degrees out and I’m wearing jeans, I feel gross.  I have gained over 30 pounds in the last three years.  Doctors tell me that a large part is due to all the medication i was on due to my migraines.  Well I haven’t been on anything for the last year and it’s not coming off.  I feel like my husband doesn’t even look at me the same way.  I way 168 pounds and he weighs 130, I feel like Shamu the whale next to him.

So for those of you that have been wondering if I fell off the face of the earth, I haven’t I’m just in the middle of these two huge things: living donor and adoption.  I will keep you posted, but as of right now the donation is scheduled for August, praying that somehow they can do it in July or early August.  Hoping to have our adoption profile finished by the middle of July as well.

Words to live by: You only live once so make it count

Be the Better Person

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve had a post, but I have had numerous things going on over the last week. I think one of the biggest things happened last Friday.  My daughter came home from work and asked me, “now mom if I tell you something you’re not going to get mad are you?” I told her that I couldn’t make any promises but I would do the best that I could do. She went on to tell me that one of the girls she works with (my daughter works with my husband at a sporting goods store) told her that Judy another woman that works there told her that I’m a drug addict! What the hell? For those of you just reading this for the first time, I suffer from Chronic Migraines after I had a plate put in my neck due to a car accident. I’ve been to Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago (would not recommend to anyone), been to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota (they were wonderful, but couldn’t afford to keep driving out there), now I’m at the U of M in Michigan and they started out pretty good but I have like 6 doctors and my main doctor hasn’t been returning any phone calls. I’ve had botox, facet injections, and recently had my nerves cauterized on one side of my neck trying to get some control over them. I’ve never been on narcotics, hell I even tried accupuncture and meditation. I am at the ER sometimes twice a month because I can barely speak or move because the pain is so bad.  Yes I do end up getting an injection, if that makes me a drug addict well than I guess I am.  So for this lady to say I’m a drug addict really pissed me off.
The real kicker of the whole thing is that my husband was sitting there and said, “oh yeah I heard about that a couple weeks ago.” And I said “well did you say something to Judy?” Nope he sure didn’t. My name is getting ran through the mud by a moron you work with and you don’t say anything? What the hell?
So as any calm individual does I found her on Facebook and sent her a message, basically telling her I don’t appreciate her running her mouth about me, because she has no idea what I go through or even what I’m like. Within 5 minutes she called the boss, who then called my husband and a meeting was set for
Saturday morning. Judy wasn’t there, because they wanted to hear everyone’s story and then a decision would be made. No I wasn’t there because its not my job….
This Tuesday rolls around and Judy comes to work and threatens to quit and then decides she will stick it out, but the boss out her on probation and she was supposed to tell my family she was sorry for spreadig rumors about me.  Has it happened it happened yet? Hell no. Am I still pissed? Yes, I’m mad as hell at my husband for still not saying something to her. He won’t lose his job, the least he could say us, “hey you know I don’t appreciate the things you’ve been saying about my wife.” Enough said.
So maybe I shouldn’t be upset with him, but I’m furious and it’s put this huge wedge between us.

On a positive note my 9 year old son has been working out with me at night and it’s been a lot of fun.

Am I blowing this out of proportion or do I have a right to be mad?  There’s only 9 people.that work at this store and Judy only works 2 days a week.

Weight loss sucks…

Well it has been over a month since I have started to work on my weight, needless to say it hasn’t been going as well as I had imagined….but then again is it ever?  I got on the scale today and the weight was 160.8, four pounds less than the doctor’s office, but only .9 oz from weight I weighed on my scale a month ago.

Part of the problem has been that my daughter was home for almost two weeks and I didn’t get to work out that entire time.  I guess instead of being upset, I will just keep working at it and now that I can work out again hopefully I will see better numbers next week.

I’m also working on being a better person.  I want to be that happy person that I see walking down the street with a smile on their face.  The other day my goal was to make eye contact with two complete strangers.  I am happy to say that I did it!  I said “hello” to both of them, one of them returned my greeting and the other just kind of looked at me like I was losing my marbles.  That’s ok, because for me to just make eye contact and talk to a complete stranger was HUGE!  I have horrible self-esteem issues and I figure while I’m working on my weight I might as well work on this too.

Goals for this week:

Drink more water

Exercise

Keep working on the eye contact

This week at school I will keep my head up walking in the halls (for me it’s just easier and more comfortable to keep my head down)

Eat healthy, but allow myself something bad every couple days (within reason)

Good luck everyone!!!!!

My goal to be a better person

Lately I have felt like…maybe I’m not being the best person that I can be. I think I’m a good person, with a good heart, but I have so much room for improvement. I see people and how happy they are and wish that I was them.
I guess it’s hard to explain…there are days that I feel like I’m going through the movements of life. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone, but I feel like I watch people including my family and It’s like a scene from a movie. I’m part of it, but It’s like I’m just going through the motions. I have battled depression for 15 years and I have struggled a lot during those 15 years. I would be jealous of friends and family because they were so happy and why couldn’t I get there? Why was God letting me feel like this, when I had so much to live for? It sucks because in my head I can picture how I want to be and how happy I could be, but I can’t reach that point.
So I decided that I would make small goals for myself, so that I don’t feel overwhelmed. Many of you know I’m working on losing weight and that is important to me, but happiness is my goal and first priority. Don’t get me wrong losing 15 pounds would make me very happy, but not the way that I want. I want to enjoy life, even when things are difficult I want to enjoy the journey. After all our time here is limited.
My goal for tomorrow is to make eye contact with two different people, strangers. Why? Because making eye contact for me has been very difficult, I’ve had low self-esteem ever since I was raped almost 20 years ago. I am going to make a point to make eye contact and say “hello.” Maybe it will be at the grocery store, the bank or out and about. I don’t think we realize how many people we encounter in a day, that just saying “hey” to a person could completely change that persons day.

Secrets are made to be found out in time…

Secrets, we all have them.  Some of us are an open book and others keep things locked down, but even those of us that are an open book still have something hanging over our head.  Maybe it’s something simple like going 5-10 mph over the speed limit every day on our way to work or maybe it’s something darker like cheating on a significant other.

Don’t you think with time, that eventually your secret will come full circle and someone will find out?  Because with secrets there are lies and how can one person keep up with the magnitude of lies that it takes to cover up deep, dark secrets.  I’m sure at this point you are probably wondering, “Wow what kind of secret is she hiding?” or maybe you are thinking of the one that you are hiding as well.

I have a lot of secrets…. Why do I have them?  I guess because I feel inadequate and I feel like if someone knew everything about me they definately wouldn’t like me.  What types of things do I keep away from my family?  I guess one of my biggest secrets is that I was raped when I was in the Army.  A lot of people are aware of this, but what they don’t know is that I can’t stand being touched.  I lie and have told boyfriends and my spouse that I love it when they touch me, but in fact my skin crawls.  I hate that, because when I am touched it should feel good and I should like it.  I’m talking about things as simple as a hug and it reminds me of that day that was taken from me.

That is one of my many secrets.  What would my husband say if he knew this?  Would he tell me, “Baby I understand, maybe we should work on this together.” or would he be mortified to know that every time he puts his hands on me I want to scream?

My best friend that I have talked about before, tries to touch me every time he sees me.  I literally just want to puke, why can’t he keep his hands off me?  Am I doing something wrong?  I’m not though, I have thought about it and replayed numerous days that we have done things together and I have never done anything to lead him on and when he has tried to touch me I tell him no, but it’s like he thinks it’s funny so it makes him try harder….

Secrets….  Do we keep things from our kids?  Maybe they won’t see us the same way if they knew we tried drugs in school or we slept with however many people.  How would they find out anyway right?  Plus, according to all the best psychologists we are supposed to parent our kids and not be their friends.  I disagree, I think you can parent your kids and be their friend.  I try to be as open and honest with my daughters as I can, because I want them to make smart choices as they are getting older.

Secrets….Do they linger in the shadows?  Are they hidden away in our drawers underneath the clothes?  Does someone else know about it and they hold it over your head?  Will they eventually come back to haunt us?

What secret are you keeping?  Are you sure that no one else knows about it?  Sometimes it’s better just to put it out there, instead of waiting for it to rear it’s ugly head.  Because then it may destroy numerous lives and not just yours.

To Flirt or Not to Flirt That is The Question…..???

What a crappy day!  Ever have one of those or three or five in a row?  This week has been crap…

I’ve officially made it to Friday, let’s look back and see how the last couple days have got me to where I’m at today.  Wednesday my daughter came in to visit from Pennsylvania and it was her 18th birthday.  Normally I really look forward to seeing her, but this time I just felt really reserved.  I’m not sure why, but we have had some rough patches after she decided to go live with her dad four years ago.  That in itself is a long story, but to sum it all up she went to years of counseling after her dad and I divorced.  Her dad put so much pressure on her (not her sister) to move in with him and his girlfriend (who eventually becomes his wife).  Job and Family services was contacted after numerous visits to the doctor and she was coming home with Urinary Tract Infections, to find out his wife was making her and my younger daughter use Summer’s Eve douch.  What the hell?  This was years ago, but he took me to court in 2008 the day before school started and she told the judge she wanted to live with him.  The kicker is he didn’t want his other daughter, just my oldest.  She wouldn’t have moved there anyway, but can you imagine what that does to a child?  Anyways, years pass and my oldest that lives 300 miles away is out every night with friends, talking to boys inappropriately through text messages and her dad and step-mom are ok with it….

She gets here on her birthday, but decides that she wants to stay at a hotel with her step-mom (because her step-mom is driving to Indy to see her family).  It’s not like I could tell her no and her sister wanted to stay with her, so that was my Wednesday.  Thursday I was at the University of Michigan having the nerves in the right side of my neck cauterized hoping to lessen my 3-5 migraines a week.  It was incredibly painful and I am very sore.  Time spent with my daughter since she’s been here?  Maybe 2 hours.  There is just this huge disconnect between us and she is into her phone and texting more than anything else.

Friday comes and I have a horrible migraine from the procedure from the following day, my daughters decide they want to go shopping with each other (not me).  I was fine with that, because they need time to spend together (my feelings were hurt though).  Ashlynn (my oldest) asks me, “Mom you know that $600 that we got from the car accident you were in?  Well can I take that money out now that I’m 18?”  I told her that she could and that is what she did, took all of it out and spent over $300 today.  Unbelievable! I don’t know, she’s just not the girl that I raised for 14 years.  I love her to death, but she has changed so much since living with her dad.  Did I mention that her dad only wanted her, because my youngest daughter looks too much like me?

Then we went out to dinner and I guess I forgot to mention this, because this was yesterday.  It was just me and my two daughters, which was kind of nice.  We are sitting there and Ashlynn is talking about boys and Gabby starts talking about work (she works with my husband).  Somehow they both get on the topic of flirting at work, because Ashlynn works at Taco Bell in PA.  Gabby told her that she doesn’t flirt at work, because there are no guys there, but the adults flirt with each other.  I say to her, “So Ryan is flirting at work?”  She says, “Ummm yea, but it’s just work flirting mom, it’s not like it means anything.”  It does mean something to me…  He works with all women and one man.  They are all pretty much a lot younger than him, so it does bother me.  Of course my daughters thought I was over reacting to the whole conversation, but that is not something that I do.  Whether I’m at school or when I was waitressing, I didn’t flirt with people.  Part of the reason I stopped waitressing was because of all the soap opera drama going on in the kitchen.

I guess I also failed to mention that today I wasn’t supposed to drive because of my procedure yesterday  and my friend Chris had to take me.  If anyone has read some of my previous blogs Chris is the guy that has been my best friend for over 5 years, but I feel like he spends time with me for all the wrong reasons.  We used to have so much fun together, but since I’ve gotten married 3 years ago, he always wants to step over his boundaries as a friend. I have had numerous discussions with him about this and he just kind of laughs and says sorry.  Today on the way back from my appointment with my son in the back seat, he decides he is going to put his hands on me.  I’m like seriously?  I’m on medication that makes me incredibly tired and out of it and he is of course trying to take advantage of the situation.  He stopped, but it’s almost like he likes it when I say, “no.”  I have also told my husband about these things and it doesn’t bother him.  Or if it does he hasn’t said anything to make me feel like it does.  He laughs about it and says, “well we both know that Chris is in love with you.”  Great, but do you think that he should act like that?  I don’t flirt with him and I don’t feel like I lead him on…  It’s such a sticky situation because my kids are friends with his daughter and I am friends with his family…

Then there’s the weight loss portion of my blog: I get weighed yesterday for my procedure and it says 149 and I’m like “OMG I haven’t weighed that in over a year.”  So happy and can’t believe it, figured it’s probably off by a few pounds, but then today at my appointment for my headache, they weigh me and it says 169…  Really?  Do you have to kick a girl when she is down?

Happy Easter everyone and try not to over indulge with the good food this weekend.

To Drag or Be Dragged

I got on the scale and of course the scale doesn’t lie, sometimes I wish that maybe it would fib just a little bit.  I have only lost one pound…  Not happy about it, but I was away all last week and didn’t have a lot of control over what I could eat.  So…..I have to work harder this week, there is vacation in 2 1/2 months and I have my 20 year class reunion in September.  We have got to get it together!

Have you ever heard that in some relationships you are either the person be dragged or you are the one dragging your partner?  I heard this the other day when we were attending our foster/adopt classes and looked around the room and could pick a few couples out that this was the case.  Then it made me wonder about my relationship with my husband, how does he feel?  Does he think that I drag him around and I wear the pants?  I would hope not, but in reality I do for some things in our relationship.  He is horrible about making decisions, so when all else fails I make the final decision.  When it comes to discipling our kids, I usually do most of it.  He will when he gets pushed to far, but usually he is more laid back than I am.

When my husband and I went to pre-marriage counseling with our pastor he said that one problem we would have is communication.  Three years later, he was right.  I am a talker and will talk about pretty much anything.  My husband, he is more of a keep it in and unless it’s important there’s really no reason to talk about it.  Lately this has been pissing me off.  There are things that I want to talk to him about and we sit down to talk and he is everywhere else (March Madness, Sports Center), but not listening to me.  It is getting so frustrating!  I have tried to tell him this and explain to him that I really need him to listen to me and talk to me about things that are going on.  He does to a point, but not for very long.  Do you ever get in the habit of “How was your day?”, “How was work?”, “What’s for dinner?”  Well that is where our relationship is and I tried to explain this to him, it’s like we are passing each other and not taking the time to appreciate each other.  I went to NYC for four nights with my daughter on a field trip and I hid a card for each of the nights that I would be gone.  I would text my husband everyday and tell him where the card for the night was and he would read it and text me a thank you….  I just want more.  Maybe I’m being selfish, I don’t know.  I want to be heard and I want to be understood for the most part.  Isn’t that what we all want out of a relationship?

Life is a bumpy road at times and I just want more out of our life.  I don’t think he understands how important that is to me.  I’m working on losing weight, toning myself, eating better, working hard in school to get good grades, trying to do sweet things for my husband so that he realizes he is number one in my life and I appreciate him.  I don’t know, I constantly worry about failing another marriage. I don’t think that I expect a lot, I just want to feel loved and adored.  I’m not sure if that is too much to ask?

I was married to a severe functional alcoholic, he was verbally and physically abusive to me, but when he was sober or even drunk and we were in a room full of people the way that he looked at me I knew and could feel how much he adored me.  We obviously had some issues and his drinking was the beginning of the end for us.  I just want to feel that way again, I want to be adored by my husband.  I don’t know if he is capable of that, I think that he is doing the best that he can do.  Who knows…

Tomorrow my goal is to control my eating, drink more water and green tea.  Exercise twice so I can get at least 60 minutes in.

I used to look at one of my family members and she was STUNNINGLY beautiful, then she was put on a medication and gained over 100 pounds.  I felt awful for her, on her wedding day her dress didn’t fit and I’ve never seen her so big.  Then in my head I thought, “she was so beautiful why would she not want to lose weight to look like that again?”  Not that she was ugly when she gained the weight, but her personality was gone too.  Then as I gained weight with my migraine medications I realized, this shit is hard.  I see how I used to look and can’t believe that I am at this point in my life where I really need to lose 30 pounds.  It is so hard, the yo-yo dieting, the exercising, the eating better, it really has to be something that you want to do and commit to or you will fail.

I can do it,  because if I don’t then I have to get on here and explain to everyone how I am failing and what I am not doing.

Peer pressure right?:)

Too Err is Human….

I have been gone for the last week visiting NYC and it was incredible!  Needless to say the things I ate were not diet approved, but I will get back on track now that my meals aren’t chosen for me (I went with my daughter’s choir).  I am not sure that I could live there, but I would love to try maybe living outside the city and working within it.  Probably not going to happen, but it is nice to dream.  I was able to see a couple of Broadway shows and it was just a truly awesome experience.

It was hard for me to see how attractive a lot of the people in NY are, they are dressed nice and look incredible.  I felt like a fat hick, compared to these women.  After being there for five days it really made me want to work harder on myself.  I want to be attractive and healthy, so here are some things that I think may help me be successful.

Every week I will purchase something new or slightly new to make myself feel “pretty”.  If it’s a pair of cheap earrings or maybe new shirt, I think to be successful and to look good you have to put some effort into it.  How many of us after we get comfortable in a relationship, just kind of let things go?  Not really let things go per say, but don’t work so hard on our appearance?  We just know that we love our significant other and they love us, so why should we dress up or do our nails or whatever?  This is honestly a really crappy way to feel about ourselves.  We are all beautiful and we should dress to feel that way.  I don’t have a lot of money, so there are cheap ways to do it and I don’t mind going to thrift stores or second hand stores to make this happen.

Summer will be here before we know it and I don’t want to still be sitting here in the summer, blowing everyone a bunch of crap about how I should of, or how I could of and I didn’t do any of it.  Tomorrow I get to go to the grocery store and start buying “healthy” foods and I will limit myself to eating out once a week.  My family is so busy that going out to eat is easy, but so costly and unhealthy!

When I was walking through the city I had a couple of guys check me out and my daughter was mortified.  She said, “Did you see that guy look at you like a piece of meat? That’s so gross, guys didn’t use to look at you like that, when you weren’t on so many pills guys used to really look at you mom.”  I felt like crap after she said this and asked her what she meant.  She basically said that when I was a little thinner people used to look at me differently, like they appreciated me.  I guess I can understand what she was saying….  Men appreciate things visually and I don’t want guys to lust after me, I’m married, but I do want my husband to look at me the way that he used to.

Weight isn’t the only thing that I’m working through right now, I have so many things going on in my head.  I need a power down switch:(.  One thing I think I will talk about it how we want to adopt.  I can’t have more children and I have 3 kids from prior relationships and because of my past relationship I had a hysterectomy because I had cysts all the time and I knew that I didn’t want another child brought up in an alcoholic home.  I never dreamed there would be a day that I would be strong enough to get out of that relationship and fall in love again, but I did.

I turn 38 this year and my husband will be 34 later this year.  It bothers me almost everyday that I can never have a child with him.  Why?  Because I’m afraid at some point he will realize that he would like to have his “own” children.  I can’t say that I would blame him, but it has been difficult because his mom wants grandkids and his older sister says that one day he will regret marrying me.  To me this is hurtful, because realistically just because people get married doesn’t guarentee them children.  There are thousands of couples that have infertility problems.  Moving on….we decided before we got married three years ago that we would become foster/adopt parents.  We went through the process (a long one) and eventually we were licensed and had over 12 kids in our house during the two year period we had our license.  We had a baby that was 6 weeks old and had her until we let our license expire, so we had her for over 14 months.  We knew that she would go home to mom or someone and it literally broke our hearts and we just couldn’t hold on anymore, knowing that she would never be ours.  Throughout those 14 months caseworkers told us we would be able to adopt, her mom said that she didn’t want her, but in the end she left us and went to live with one of her family members.  It didn’t just hurt my husband and I, but our family and my biological kids.  Now once again, we are going through the process again to try to adopt.  We knew that more than likely we wouldn’t get a baby, especially in the foster care system and we have always been fine with that.  We have been turned down for older kids, sibling groups and younger kids so many times that I can’t even give you a number anymore.  The last time I sat down and counted it was well over 30.  We found out, now that we have changed to a different agency that our previous agency didn’t send out our homestudies and didn’t advocate for us because we were a “great” foster home that they didn’t want to lose.  I sent so many different requests on kids in our system, for things to stop once my agency got information on the kids we were looking into.  We just accepted the fact that maybe we weren’t what some of these kids needed, but something didn’t seem right… People adopt kids from our legal system often and we were getting turned down all the time for kids as old as 17 (some of the hardest to find homes for).  It was our agency…once a county would contact them they told them our house was full, we couldn’t handle anymore, etc.  My husband and I had NO IDEA that this was happening and when we found out after we let our license expire, we were truly hurt.  We waited almost a year and decided that we were going to look into different foster care agencies and try it again.  There are so many kids needing home and we have a wonderful family, so we aren’t going to give up.  We can’t afford to do private adoption and we decided that wasn’t for us, there are so many things that can go wrong during private adoptions that we figured we would try to find children that needed homes, the kids that are moved from home to home because they don’t have a forever family.  So we will keep praying and working on our homestudy process, and hopefully this year we will have a new addition or two or however many in our home.

So for tonight that is what I will leave you with:  My daily weight struggle and the thought of becoming a forever family for a child or children this year.

Have a great rest of the weekend and keep plugging away at whatever your dreams may be!

The Best Friend Dilemma

Best friends or more?

     I have always been a firm believer that guys and girls can be “just” friends.  Growing up, my best friends were guys.  They are just not as vindictive as women.  I trusted them and they liked me for me.  I didn’t have to wear something special for them, or feel like I had to impress them I was just me.  With women it’s different we are always comparing ourselves to other women.  Right?  Look at her she is skinnier than me, she is prettier than me, she has really done something with her life…. Blah, Blah, Blah.  We suck as friends.  I’m saying woman to woman, because any female friendship that I’ve had except one has led to devastation and heartache.

     Why do we do this to each other?  I have no idea…. Self-esteem issues? Who knows, but women are catty and moody.  Guys are just guys, you take them for what they are and most of them don’t hide their “true” self to their best friends.

     So where am I going with this you ask?  I have had an incredible guy friend for the last 4 1/2 years.  I love him!  He makes me laugh, he is always there for me and he is totally committed to me.  So here is where the problem starts, did you notice I said “totally committed to me?”  I am married now and he was around when I met my husband and has since become friends with him as well.  The problem is…he loves me.  Everyone knows it including my kids.  I’m sure my husband is aware of it, but he never is jealous (which to me is very strange).  My friend will call him “John”, never in our early years of becoming friends did he mention that he was attracted to me or wanted to even date me.  We have always just been friends…

     When did I really notice it?  I invited him to be part of the wedding party, if I could have had a man Maid of Honor it would have been him.  He helped me shop and encouraged me when I was feeling overwhelmed.  I didn’t have a bachelorette party so he took it upon himself to take me out the weekend before the wedding.  His whole family went to the comedy club and to the dance club afterwards.  John never made a move, never touched me the wrong way.  I just didn’t see it until the wedding…

     John was one of the groomsmen, but he took care of seating people and the odds and ends.  When I walked down the aisle I noticed him staring at me, I passed a smile and nervously walked to my soon- to- be husband.  The ceremony was over and it was time for the after party.  As the wedding party arrived, I kept hearing him tell everyone, “isn’t she beautiful, God she looks gorgeous, isn’t she stunning?”  I guess I thought it was a little strange, but he was my best friend.

     We danced together and laughed together as friends do, but I noticed something different in his eyes.  He loved me and I broke his heart.  This was a person that had been through some rough times with me, stood by me during surgeries after a car accident, was at court the day my daughter decided to live 300 miles away with her dad.  So was my soon-to-be husband.  Strange?  Now that I look back on it, yes I guess it was.  But he was my best friend and I loved him.  He was doing what any other best friend would do right?

     I have been married for 2 1/2 years now and things with John are different.  He still does all those things and is still committed to me, but that’s the problem.  I feel like I’m holding him back from having a relationship with someone else, because it’s like it’s his life goal to make me happy.  Did I mention that his daughter and mine are really good friends?  I watched them grow up over the last 4 1/2 years and cutting off our friendship would cut off my daughter’s as well.

     Why would I even think of cutting off our relationship?  When I’m around him, I’m nervous to be around him.  He has become very touchy, feely and I have addressed this with him before and he kind of just brushes it off.  So I wait awhile before I text him back and try to put some distance between us, but when we get together to hang out he just does the same thing.  When we are together he tells me, “you are so beautiful, do you know that?”  (I hate being told that, because I am not comfortable with myself).  He tries to buy me things and always wants to be where I am.

     I’m sure some of you reading this would think, “wow that really sounds like a problem, not!”  For me it is, because he is my best friend but I feel like little by little I have to let go.  I always thought guys and girls could be friends, but why do some push for more?

     The weird part about the whole thing, is that my husband doesn’t really seem to give two shits.  Other guys that I’ve been with, have always had some jealousy, but not him.  It just doesn’t bother him.  Why does that bother me?  Because I’ve told him before the things that John has been doing and how he is making me uncomfortable and how I’ve tried to discuss it with him.  My husband just says, I’m sure it will all work out and don’t worry about it.

     Well let me tell you something, if I knew that my husband was hanging out with his best “girlfriend” and she was touching him, we would have a problem.  I would be pissed!  I would let him know that I’m pissed and if he doesn’t stop seeing her then we are FINISHED!

     Double standard?  Maybe, but I feel like I’m in a no win situation.  How do I let my best friend go after all the things we’ve been through together?  Obviously my talks haven’t changed how he acts around me and I’ve even told him that I’m worried I’m holding him back from having a real relationship.  He just laughs.

     It is awkward being in the middle of two guys that love you completely.  No I don’t boast about it if that’s what you’re thinking, it sucks.  Because in the end I will always choose my husband, but somehow John has got to understand that.

My Life Underwraps

I am tired of putting a smile on my face and telling people that everything is fine and I am doing good.  Don’t we all do that at some point?  Realistically how many of us aren’t doing well and have numerous issues consuming them at that very moment?

Sometimes I feel like a ghost walking around my house, just watching everything going on inside, but not really taking any part in it.  As parents we learn to tune kids out and yes even our spouse or significant other, but it’s so much more than that.  I see my kids talking to me and my head is everywhere else, but there with them.  Mouths moving, hands flailing and eyes rolling… Yes I see it all, but do I care?

I feel like this empty shell that just can’t get fulfilled.  Why?  Good question.  I live with my third husband, obviously that makes me an automatic failure at relationships, especially since I’m only 37.  I have three kids 17, 16 and 9 and my oldest daughter decided to move 300 miles away three years ago to be with her dad.  In the midst of all that she left her sister.  Her sister didn’t want to go and her dad didn’t want her there either, because she looks too much like me and acts too much like me.  Do I dislike the man?  You bet, he could fall off the earth and I think it would be a much happier place.  Honestly though, I have never felt that way about anyone, I used to adore the guy.  Hell I must have if I married him!  We were married for 7 years and then I found out that he was cheating on me for almost half of them.  Stupid, naive, dumb?  Yes I was definitely all three.  Love is blind as they say, but in my experience love is stupid.

I met husband number 2 and he was the complete opposite of my first husband and I think that’s why I was so attracted to him.  He was the bad boy, did things that shouldn’t be done and treated me like shit.  Some how I seemed to like it, because even though he treated me that way he still could make me feel like a princess.  We had this physical chemistry that I don’t think I’ve ever had with anyone.  He was a phenomenal lover, but a terrible husband and parent to our son.  He was an alcoholic and drug user, but held down a full-time job that paid very well.  Was he interested in someone else?  There were lots of someone elses in his world, but he always came back to me.  He was a guy right?  Out on the prowl looking for something better and hotter,  but eventually realized that he was stuck with me.  Stuck you ask?  Financially we depended on each other and if we were going to break things off it was going to be something very hard for the both of us.

Eventually one night I dropped my daughters off at ballet class and came back home to make dinner for my husband and son.  I went over to the computer to check my email and there it was!  Everything that I had thought in my head was on paper in front of me.  A letter from “one” of the girls he was seeing. Heartbreaking, although I don’t know why because I did know in my heart that he was messing around, but this was proof.  So when you have proof what do you do?  You confront him right?  That is what I did and here is when my “A-HA” moment takes place.

Jack you know that I found a letter from Ginny right?

You are so full of shit, you just want to look for reasons to break up with me?

I’m done Jack I can’t keep doing this, back and forth.  Now I know for certain that you have been with her and Michelle.

Next he pulls out a knife and puts it up to my neck. Panic floods over me, not because I have this blade up against my neck, but because my 2 1/2 year old son just walked into the kitchen.

Daddy are you going to cut my mommy?  Are you?  Mommy is daddy going to cut you?

What the hell do you do at that point?  I freaked out, there was my little boy witnessing this whole thing.  I had totally failed as a mother.

Jack please let me go our son does not need to see this ok?  Please.

He is just staring into my soul and I push with everything I had and grabbed Milo’s hand and we ran for the front door.  He didn’t follow us, but that picture will forever be engraved in my head and my son’s.

I hate when people say: why do people stay with people like that?  Why don’t they just leave?  Why do they put up with that? If that was me I would never tolerate that shit.  What’s wrong with women like that?

Believe me when I say, I used to say the same things until I was actually in the relationship myself.

What doesn’t kill you makes you stronger is what people say and I guess I have to say that I believe them.  I’ve grown from every experience and learned from all my stupid mistakes.  However, I still make numerous mistakes daily! Big surprise there.

My husband now, well we had a rocky start.  We met in 2001, but it wasn’t time for us to be together yet.  I believe in fate, in case anyone is wondering.  After my A-ha moment and I moved back into my old house, I gradually got back into the dating scene.  How people do that, is beyond me.  It is SO crazy!  How do you meet people, where do you meet people, is the internet a good place to look?  Needless to say I tried all of them.  From people telling me, “Oh you and so and so would be a great couple.” To connecting with people on MySpace.  That is how I met Bryan.  We connected again after 7 years and he asked me over for dinner.  I went and things seemed to be working out nicely, but there was one hitch…I can’t have more kids.  Bryan doesn’t have any children and he was only 29 at the time, so he broke up with me.  I can’t say that I blamed him, I would want a chance to at least try to have children.  It broke my heart, but I dated other guys and after about a month Bryan called me.  We decided to start over and that’s where I am today.  He is one of the best things that have happened to me and because I’ve went through so much shit in my life, I feel like I’m constantly on the edge and ready to slip off.  Do I deserve happiness?  When is the rug going to be pulled out from under me?

Sucks to feel that crappy about yourself, but I come with lots of baggage and like I said before ALL my experiences have made me who I am today.

My daughter leaving three years ago, did that bother me?  Oh my gosh for months I thought that I was literally dying.  I couldn’t believe that she left and wanted to be with her dad and not me.  In my mind I had these wonderful kids and we had great times, but she wanted to try it with her dad.  It felt like someone just stuck their hand right through my chest and ripped out my heart and I watched it beating in the Magistrate’s hand as he made the decision.  I learned at that moment what hate was, and I hated my ex.  He was a jack ass and still is, I never said bad things about him to the kids growing up because he was their dad and he was a good guy (or at least I thought).  What kind of father takes one daughter, but doesn’t fight for the other one?  She would have never left to go there, but that is beside the point.  Who does that?  He doesn’t call on her birthday, hell he doesn’t call period.  So many nights I lay in bed and wonder, how this is going to change her life or affect her in the future.  Will she trust men, will she have stable relationships?  I sucked in that department, I wasn’t the best example for picking out great guys.  By the time I did, my oldest daughter decided that was enough.

I guess everyone comes with a story and this is part of mine.  I have so many more, but for today I think that is enough….