Be the Better Person

I know that it has been awhile since I’ve had a post, but I have had numerous things going on over the last week. I think one of the biggest things happened last Friday.  My daughter came home from work and asked me, “now mom if I tell you something you’re not going to get mad are you?” I told her that I couldn’t make any promises but I would do the best that I could do. She went on to tell me that one of the girls she works with (my daughter works with my husband at a sporting goods store) told her that Judy another woman that works there told her that I’m a drug addict! What the hell? For those of you just reading this for the first time, I suffer from Chronic Migraines after I had a plate put in my neck due to a car accident. I’ve been to Diamond Headache Clinic in Chicago (would not recommend to anyone), been to the Mayo Clinic in Minnesota (they were wonderful, but couldn’t afford to keep driving out there), now I’m at the U of M in Michigan and they started out pretty good but I have like 6 doctors and my main doctor hasn’t been returning any phone calls. I’ve had botox, facet injections, and recently had my nerves cauterized on one side of my neck trying to get some control over them. I’ve never been on narcotics, hell I even tried accupuncture and meditation. I am at the ER sometimes twice a month because I can barely speak or move because the pain is so bad.  Yes I do end up getting an injection, if that makes me a drug addict well than I guess I am.  So for this lady to say I’m a drug addict really pissed me off.
The real kicker of the whole thing is that my husband was sitting there and said, “oh yeah I heard about that a couple weeks ago.” And I said “well did you say something to Judy?” Nope he sure didn’t. My name is getting ran through the mud by a moron you work with and you don’t say anything? What the hell?
So as any calm individual does I found her on Facebook and sent her a message, basically telling her I don’t appreciate her running her mouth about me, because she has no idea what I go through or even what I’m like. Within 5 minutes she called the boss, who then called my husband and a meeting was set for
Saturday morning. Judy wasn’t there, because they wanted to hear everyone’s story and then a decision would be made. No I wasn’t there because its not my job….
This Tuesday rolls around and Judy comes to work and threatens to quit and then decides she will stick it out, but the boss out her on probation and she was supposed to tell my family she was sorry for spreadig rumors about me.  Has it happened it happened yet? Hell no. Am I still pissed? Yes, I’m mad as hell at my husband for still not saying something to her. He won’t lose his job, the least he could say us, “hey you know I don’t appreciate the things you’ve been saying about my wife.” Enough said.
So maybe I shouldn’t be upset with him, but I’m furious and it’s put this huge wedge between us.

On a positive note my 9 year old son has been working out with me at night and it’s been a lot of fun.

Am I blowing this out of proportion or do I have a right to be mad?  There’s only 9 people.that work at this store and Judy only works 2 days a week.

Weight loss sucks…

Well it has been over a month since I have started to work on my weight, needless to say it hasn’t been going as well as I had imagined….but then again is it ever?  I got on the scale today and the weight was 160.8, four pounds less than the doctor’s office, but only .9 oz from weight I weighed on my scale a month ago.

Part of the problem has been that my daughter was home for almost two weeks and I didn’t get to work out that entire time.  I guess instead of being upset, I will just keep working at it and now that I can work out again hopefully I will see better numbers next week.

I’m also working on being a better person.  I want to be that happy person that I see walking down the street with a smile on their face.  The other day my goal was to make eye contact with two complete strangers.  I am happy to say that I did it!  I said “hello” to both of them, one of them returned my greeting and the other just kind of looked at me like I was losing my marbles.  That’s ok, because for me to just make eye contact and talk to a complete stranger was HUGE!  I have horrible self-esteem issues and I figure while I’m working on my weight I might as well work on this too.

Goals for this week:

Drink more water

Exercise

Keep working on the eye contact

This week at school I will keep my head up walking in the halls (for me it’s just easier and more comfortable to keep my head down)

Eat healthy, but allow myself something bad every couple days (within reason)

Good luck everyone!!!!!

My goal to be a better person

Lately I have felt like…maybe I’m not being the best person that I can be. I think I’m a good person, with a good heart, but I have so much room for improvement. I see people and how happy they are and wish that I was them.
I guess it’s hard to explain…there are days that I feel like I’m going through the movements of life. I’m not sure if that makes sense to anyone, but I feel like I watch people including my family and It’s like a scene from a movie. I’m part of it, but It’s like I’m just going through the motions. I have battled depression for 15 years and I have struggled a lot during those 15 years. I would be jealous of friends and family because they were so happy and why couldn’t I get there? Why was God letting me feel like this, when I had so much to live for? It sucks because in my head I can picture how I want to be and how happy I could be, but I can’t reach that point.
So I decided that I would make small goals for myself, so that I don’t feel overwhelmed. Many of you know I’m working on losing weight and that is important to me, but happiness is my goal and first priority. Don’t get me wrong losing 15 pounds would make me very happy, but not the way that I want. I want to enjoy life, even when things are difficult I want to enjoy the journey. After all our time here is limited.
My goal for tomorrow is to make eye contact with two different people, strangers. Why? Because making eye contact for me has been very difficult, I’ve had low self-esteem ever since I was raped almost 20 years ago. I am going to make a point to make eye contact and say “hello.” Maybe it will be at the grocery store, the bank or out and about. I don’t think we realize how many people we encounter in a day, that just saying “hey” to a person could completely change that persons day.

Secrets are made to be found out in time…

Secrets, we all have them.  Some of us are an open book and others keep things locked down, but even those of us that are an open book still have something hanging over our head.  Maybe it’s something simple like going 5-10 mph over the speed limit every day on our way to work or maybe it’s something darker like cheating on a significant other.

Don’t you think with time, that eventually your secret will come full circle and someone will find out?  Because with secrets there are lies and how can one person keep up with the magnitude of lies that it takes to cover up deep, dark secrets.  I’m sure at this point you are probably wondering, “Wow what kind of secret is she hiding?” or maybe you are thinking of the one that you are hiding as well.

I have a lot of secrets…. Why do I have them?  I guess because I feel inadequate and I feel like if someone knew everything about me they definately wouldn’t like me.  What types of things do I keep away from my family?  I guess one of my biggest secrets is that I was raped when I was in the Army.  A lot of people are aware of this, but what they don’t know is that I can’t stand being touched.  I lie and have told boyfriends and my spouse that I love it when they touch me, but in fact my skin crawls.  I hate that, because when I am touched it should feel good and I should like it.  I’m talking about things as simple as a hug and it reminds me of that day that was taken from me.

That is one of my many secrets.  What would my husband say if he knew this?  Would he tell me, “Baby I understand, maybe we should work on this together.” or would he be mortified to know that every time he puts his hands on me I want to scream?

My best friend that I have talked about before, tries to touch me every time he sees me.  I literally just want to puke, why can’t he keep his hands off me?  Am I doing something wrong?  I’m not though, I have thought about it and replayed numerous days that we have done things together and I have never done anything to lead him on and when he has tried to touch me I tell him no, but it’s like he thinks it’s funny so it makes him try harder….

Secrets….  Do we keep things from our kids?  Maybe they won’t see us the same way if they knew we tried drugs in school or we slept with however many people.  How would they find out anyway right?  Plus, according to all the best psychologists we are supposed to parent our kids and not be their friends.  I disagree, I think you can parent your kids and be their friend.  I try to be as open and honest with my daughters as I can, because I want them to make smart choices as they are getting older.

Secrets….Do they linger in the shadows?  Are they hidden away in our drawers underneath the clothes?  Does someone else know about it and they hold it over your head?  Will they eventually come back to haunt us?

What secret are you keeping?  Are you sure that no one else knows about it?  Sometimes it’s better just to put it out there, instead of waiting for it to rear it’s ugly head.  Because then it may destroy numerous lives and not just yours.

To Flirt or Not to Flirt That is The Question…..???

What a crappy day!  Ever have one of those or three or five in a row?  This week has been crap…

I’ve officially made it to Friday, let’s look back and see how the last couple days have got me to where I’m at today.  Wednesday my daughter came in to visit from Pennsylvania and it was her 18th birthday.  Normally I really look forward to seeing her, but this time I just felt really reserved.  I’m not sure why, but we have had some rough patches after she decided to go live with her dad four years ago.  That in itself is a long story, but to sum it all up she went to years of counseling after her dad and I divorced.  Her dad put so much pressure on her (not her sister) to move in with him and his girlfriend (who eventually becomes his wife).  Job and Family services was contacted after numerous visits to the doctor and she was coming home with Urinary Tract Infections, to find out his wife was making her and my younger daughter use Summer’s Eve douch.  What the hell?  This was years ago, but he took me to court in 2008 the day before school started and she told the judge she wanted to live with him.  The kicker is he didn’t want his other daughter, just my oldest.  She wouldn’t have moved there anyway, but can you imagine what that does to a child?  Anyways, years pass and my oldest that lives 300 miles away is out every night with friends, talking to boys inappropriately through text messages and her dad and step-mom are ok with it….

She gets here on her birthday, but decides that she wants to stay at a hotel with her step-mom (because her step-mom is driving to Indy to see her family).  It’s not like I could tell her no and her sister wanted to stay with her, so that was my Wednesday.  Thursday I was at the University of Michigan having the nerves in the right side of my neck cauterized hoping to lessen my 3-5 migraines a week.  It was incredibly painful and I am very sore.  Time spent with my daughter since she’s been here?  Maybe 2 hours.  There is just this huge disconnect between us and she is into her phone and texting more than anything else.

Friday comes and I have a horrible migraine from the procedure from the following day, my daughters decide they want to go shopping with each other (not me).  I was fine with that, because they need time to spend together (my feelings were hurt though).  Ashlynn (my oldest) asks me, “Mom you know that $600 that we got from the car accident you were in?  Well can I take that money out now that I’m 18?”  I told her that she could and that is what she did, took all of it out and spent over $300 today.  Unbelievable! I don’t know, she’s just not the girl that I raised for 14 years.  I love her to death, but she has changed so much since living with her dad.  Did I mention that her dad only wanted her, because my youngest daughter looks too much like me?

Then we went out to dinner and I guess I forgot to mention this, because this was yesterday.  It was just me and my two daughters, which was kind of nice.  We are sitting there and Ashlynn is talking about boys and Gabby starts talking about work (she works with my husband).  Somehow they both get on the topic of flirting at work, because Ashlynn works at Taco Bell in PA.  Gabby told her that she doesn’t flirt at work, because there are no guys there, but the adults flirt with each other.  I say to her, “So Ryan is flirting at work?”  She says, “Ummm yea, but it’s just work flirting mom, it’s not like it means anything.”  It does mean something to me…  He works with all women and one man.  They are all pretty much a lot younger than him, so it does bother me.  Of course my daughters thought I was over reacting to the whole conversation, but that is not something that I do.  Whether I’m at school or when I was waitressing, I didn’t flirt with people.  Part of the reason I stopped waitressing was because of all the soap opera drama going on in the kitchen.

I guess I also failed to mention that today I wasn’t supposed to drive because of my procedure yesterday  and my friend Chris had to take me.  If anyone has read some of my previous blogs Chris is the guy that has been my best friend for over 5 years, but I feel like he spends time with me for all the wrong reasons.  We used to have so much fun together, but since I’ve gotten married 3 years ago, he always wants to step over his boundaries as a friend. I have had numerous discussions with him about this and he just kind of laughs and says sorry.  Today on the way back from my appointment with my son in the back seat, he decides he is going to put his hands on me.  I’m like seriously?  I’m on medication that makes me incredibly tired and out of it and he is of course trying to take advantage of the situation.  He stopped, but it’s almost like he likes it when I say, “no.”  I have also told my husband about these things and it doesn’t bother him.  Or if it does he hasn’t said anything to make me feel like it does.  He laughs about it and says, “well we both know that Chris is in love with you.”  Great, but do you think that he should act like that?  I don’t flirt with him and I don’t feel like I lead him on…  It’s such a sticky situation because my kids are friends with his daughter and I am friends with his family…

Then there’s the weight loss portion of my blog: I get weighed yesterday for my procedure and it says 149 and I’m like “OMG I haven’t weighed that in over a year.”  So happy and can’t believe it, figured it’s probably off by a few pounds, but then today at my appointment for my headache, they weigh me and it says 169…  Really?  Do you have to kick a girl when she is down?

Happy Easter everyone and try not to over indulge with the good food this weekend.

To Drag or Be Dragged

I got on the scale and of course the scale doesn’t lie, sometimes I wish that maybe it would fib just a little bit.  I have only lost one pound…  Not happy about it, but I was away all last week and didn’t have a lot of control over what I could eat.  So…..I have to work harder this week, there is vacation in 2 1/2 months and I have my 20 year class reunion in September.  We have got to get it together!

Have you ever heard that in some relationships you are either the person be dragged or you are the one dragging your partner?  I heard this the other day when we were attending our foster/adopt classes and looked around the room and could pick a few couples out that this was the case.  Then it made me wonder about my relationship with my husband, how does he feel?  Does he think that I drag him around and I wear the pants?  I would hope not, but in reality I do for some things in our relationship.  He is horrible about making decisions, so when all else fails I make the final decision.  When it comes to discipling our kids, I usually do most of it.  He will when he gets pushed to far, but usually he is more laid back than I am.

When my husband and I went to pre-marriage counseling with our pastor he said that one problem we would have is communication.  Three years later, he was right.  I am a talker and will talk about pretty much anything.  My husband, he is more of a keep it in and unless it’s important there’s really no reason to talk about it.  Lately this has been pissing me off.  There are things that I want to talk to him about and we sit down to talk and he is everywhere else (March Madness, Sports Center), but not listening to me.  It is getting so frustrating!  I have tried to tell him this and explain to him that I really need him to listen to me and talk to me about things that are going on.  He does to a point, but not for very long.  Do you ever get in the habit of “How was your day?”, “How was work?”, “What’s for dinner?”  Well that is where our relationship is and I tried to explain this to him, it’s like we are passing each other and not taking the time to appreciate each other.  I went to NYC for four nights with my daughter on a field trip and I hid a card for each of the nights that I would be gone.  I would text my husband everyday and tell him where the card for the night was and he would read it and text me a thank you….  I just want more.  Maybe I’m being selfish, I don’t know.  I want to be heard and I want to be understood for the most part.  Isn’t that what we all want out of a relationship?

Life is a bumpy road at times and I just want more out of our life.  I don’t think he understands how important that is to me.  I’m working on losing weight, toning myself, eating better, working hard in school to get good grades, trying to do sweet things for my husband so that he realizes he is number one in my life and I appreciate him.  I don’t know, I constantly worry about failing another marriage. I don’t think that I expect a lot, I just want to feel loved and adored.  I’m not sure if that is too much to ask?

I was married to a severe functional alcoholic, he was verbally and physically abusive to me, but when he was sober or even drunk and we were in a room full of people the way that he looked at me I knew and could feel how much he adored me.  We obviously had some issues and his drinking was the beginning of the end for us.  I just want to feel that way again, I want to be adored by my husband.  I don’t know if he is capable of that, I think that he is doing the best that he can do.  Who knows…

Tomorrow my goal is to control my eating, drink more water and green tea.  Exercise twice so I can get at least 60 minutes in.

I used to look at one of my family members and she was STUNNINGLY beautiful, then she was put on a medication and gained over 100 pounds.  I felt awful for her, on her wedding day her dress didn’t fit and I’ve never seen her so big.  Then in my head I thought, “she was so beautiful why would she not want to lose weight to look like that again?”  Not that she was ugly when she gained the weight, but her personality was gone too.  Then as I gained weight with my migraine medications I realized, this shit is hard.  I see how I used to look and can’t believe that I am at this point in my life where I really need to lose 30 pounds.  It is so hard, the yo-yo dieting, the exercising, the eating better, it really has to be something that you want to do and commit to or you will fail.

I can do it,  because if I don’t then I have to get on here and explain to everyone how I am failing and what I am not doing.

Peer pressure right?:)

Hear no evil….

There are so many things that I still want to do with my life.  I realize that I’m turning 38 this year, but I have so many things that I want to do.  I have three kids and my oldest is turning 18 on Wednesday, time goes by so fast.  I realized that I spent a lot of time raising my kids and there are things that I’ve missed.  I was in the military for 8 years and then I raised my kids and waitressed.  I’m on my third marriage….

I’m in school working on my Bachelor’s degree in nursing.  I won’t graduate until May 2014, when my other daughter that’s 16 will graduate high school.  She is wanting to move to Tennessee or North Carolina and I am planning on looking for a job there as well.  I HATE Ohio and have wanted to move for years, but I do have kids and my husband grew up here.  I’ve have lived in Detroit, Ft. Bragg, NC, and small town Ohio.  There are tons of benefits living in the small town, but I am ready to move on.

Why am I talking about this?  Because this is where the problem starts.  Before my husband and I got married in 2009 I was offered a job in Washington State working on a military base as an LPN.  The thought of moving that far scared me, but it was exciting as well.  I talked to my husband about this for months, he was the one faxing all my resumes to the different military posts.  We thought we would fly out there and check things out for a few days and then go from there.  He seemed supportive, but a little hesitant and I can’t blame him, he has never lived anywhere else.  I was in touch with the Manager of the surgical floor just about every day and he really needed an answer, so I asked if I came out there in the next couple of weeks to look around and give him an answer if that would be ok.  He agreed, because he knew that this was a big move for us.

I was checking flights, talking to my parents and my kids when I ran across an email that my husband sent to his sister.  I know you are probably wondering if I was checking his email, no I wasn’t he didn’t log out and when I opened my Yahoo account I realized that it was his.  I saw that his sister had responded to his email and you could read part of it on the screen.  What it basically said was that if he didn’t feel like moving he needed to let me know and she didn’t think moving that far was a good idea.  I was shocked that he threw me under the bus like this, he was supportive to my face but in reality he didn’t want to move.  Needless to say I didn’t take the job, but I’ve held a lot of resentment towards him because of his dishonesty with me.  The next huge thing that happened was in October 2010, I had a call for an interview in Tennessee.  My husband and I were seriously looking at relocating at this time and we were very excited.  We took the kids down to Tennessee and started looking at the area and loved it, the next day I had the interview and was offered the job on the spot.  After a three hour interview, my family was getting on edge sitting out in the car wondering what was going on.  We went to a Burger King across the street from where I interviewed and I explained everything to my family.  The kids were thrilled, my husband broke down in tears.  I had no idea what was going on, we were looking at Tennessee for almost a year and here was our opportunity.  He said that it was faster than he thought this would happen and he didn’t know if he could do it.  I was pissed to say the least and the kids were telling everyone at school that we were moving even before the job offer.  When we came home he told his parents about it (they live right across the street) and they weren’t thrilled but said if that’s what we wanted to do they would be supportive.  My husband still just couldn’t do it and I turned the job down.

So…..part of me going back to school was so that I would have more opportunities for jobs and that we would move when Gabby my currently 16 year old graduates.  My fear?  That he won’t move and I’ve tried to talk to him about this and he said, “What do you want me to tell you?  I don’t know how I’m going to feel when it happens.  I’ve always lived here, but I want to try something different and we liked Tennessee.”  He says that, but I don’t think he will move.  He has worked at the same place for 11 years, with no benefits, no insurance and no retirement.  He’s comfortable making very little, but loving his job at a sporting goods store in our small town.

This goes back to all the things that I still want to do with my life.  I don’t want to be here forever and he knew that when we got married, so the fear that he won’t move is there.

My other fear?  That eventually we won’t work out, because I can’t have any more kids.  He knew this too before we got married, but now all his friends are having kids and mine are all older.  We’ve tried adopting, but haven’t been successful.  Tried adopting out of foster care, because we did that for two years and we weren’t blessed to adopt that way either.  I will leave this topic for another day….

I am still working on the weight and did 2 miles on my bike tonight and half a mile on the treadmill with the highest incline.  We will see what the scale says tomorrow:).