Too Err is Human....

I have been gone for the last week visiting NYC and it was incredible!  Needless to say the things I ate were not diet approved, but I will get back on track now that my meals aren’t chosen for me (I went with my daughter’s choir).  I am not sure that I could live there, but I would love to try maybe living outside the city and working within it.  Probably not going to happen, but it is nice to dream.  I was able to see a couple of Broadway shows and it was just a truly awesome experience.

It was hard for me to see how attractive a lot of the people in NY are, they are dressed nice and look incredible.  I felt like a fat hick, compared to these women.  After being there for five days it really made me want to work harder on myself.  I want to be attractive and healthy, so here are some things that I think may help me be successful.

Every week I will purchase something new or slightly new to make myself feel “pretty”.  If it’s a pair of cheap earrings or maybe new shirt, I think to be successful and to look good you have to put some effort into it.  How many of us after we get comfortable in a relationship, just kind of let things go?  Not really let things go per say, but don’t work so hard on our appearance?  We just know that we love our significant other and they love us, so why should we dress up or do our nails or whatever?  This is honestly a really crappy way to feel about ourselves.  We are all beautiful and we should dress to feel that way.  I don’t have a lot of money, so there are cheap ways to do it and I don’t mind going to thrift stores or second hand stores to make this happen.

Summer will be here before we know it and I don’t want to still be sitting here in the summer, blowing everyone a bunch of crap about how I should of, or how I could of and I didn’t do any of it.  Tomorrow I get to go to the grocery store and start buying “healthy” foods and I will limit myself to eating out once a week.  My family is so busy that going out to eat is easy, but so costly and unhealthy!

When I was walking through the city I had a couple of guys check me out and my daughter was mortified.  She said, “Did you see that guy look at you like a piece of meat? That’s so gross, guys didn’t use to look at you like that, when you weren’t on so many pills guys used to really look at you mom.”  I felt like crap after she said this and asked her what she meant.  She basically said that when I was a little thinner people used to look at me differently, like they appreciated me.  I guess I can understand what she was saying….  Men appreciate things visually and I don’t want guys to lust after me, I’m married, but I do want my husband to look at me the way that he used to.

Weight isn’t the only thing that I’m working through right now, I have so many things going on in my head.  I need a power down switch:(.  One thing I think I will talk about it how we want to adopt.  I can’t have more children and I have 3 kids from prior relationships and because of my past relationship I had a hysterectomy because I had cysts all the time and I knew that I didn’t want another child brought up in an alcoholic home.  I never dreamed there would be a day that I would be strong enough to get out of that relationship and fall in love again, but I did.

I turn 38 this year and my husband will be 34 later this year.  It bothers me almost everyday that I can never have a child with him.  Why?  Because I’m afraid at some point he will realize that he would like to have his “own” children.  I can’t say that I would blame him, but it has been difficult because his mom wants grandkids and his older sister says that one day he will regret marrying me.  To me this is hurtful, because realistically just because people get married doesn’t guarentee them children.  There are thousands of couples that have infertility problems.  Moving on….we decided before we got married three years ago that we would become foster/adopt parents.  We went through the process (a long one) and eventually we were licensed and had over 12 kids in our house during the two year period we had our license.  We had a baby that was 6 weeks old and had her until we let our license expire, so we had her for over 14 months.  We knew that she would go home to mom or someone and it literally broke our hearts and we just couldn’t hold on anymore, knowing that she would never be ours.  Throughout those 14 months caseworkers told us we would be able to adopt, her mom said that she didn’t want her, but in the end she left us and went to live with one of her family members.  It didn’t just hurt my husband and I, but our family and my biological kids.  Now once again, we are going through the process again to try to adopt.  We knew that more than likely we wouldn’t get a baby, especially in the foster care system and we have always been fine with that.  We have been turned down for older kids, sibling groups and younger kids so many times that I can’t even give you a number anymore.  The last time I sat down and counted it was well over 30.  We found out, now that we have changed to a different agency that our previous agency didn’t send out our homestudies and didn’t advocate for us because we were a “great” foster home that they didn’t want to lose.  I sent so many different requests on kids in our system, for things to stop once my agency got information on the kids we were looking into.  We just accepted the fact that maybe we weren’t what some of these kids needed, but something didn’t seem right… People adopt kids from our legal system often and we were getting turned down all the time for kids as old as 17 (some of the hardest to find homes for).  It was our agency…once a county would contact them they told them our house was full, we couldn’t handle anymore, etc.  My husband and I had NO IDEA that this was happening and when we found out after we let our license expire, we were truly hurt.  We waited almost a year and decided that we were going to look into different foster care agencies and try it again.  There are so many kids needing home and we have a wonderful family, so we aren’t going to give up.  We can’t afford to do private adoption and we decided that wasn’t for us, there are so many things that can go wrong during private adoptions that we figured we would try to find children that needed homes, the kids that are moved from home to home because they don’t have a forever family.  So we will keep praying and working on our homestudy process, and hopefully this year we will have a new addition or two or however many in our home.

So for tonight that is what I will leave you with:  My daily weight struggle and the thought of becoming a forever family for a child or children this year.

Have a great rest of the weekend and keep plugging away at whatever your dreams may be!