Can't Get Right

     Well this week has been eventful to say the least.  I have been trying to monitor what goes in my mouth and exercise.  The exercise hasn’t been as bad as I thought it would be, I’m using the Rockin Body from Beachbody.  It’s a lot of different dancing moves to make it “fun”.  Well it makes me feel like an idiot that has two left feet, I’m tripping all over myself…  But I guess I’m moving, so that’s better than not doing anything. 

     I lost 2.1 pounds this week, not exactly what I wanted but it’s weight that is gone.  Losing weight is hard and keeping with portion control has been difficult at times this week.  I love bread, my true weakness.  I have been eating a lot of fruits and vegetables, but then I have resorted to eating chips or rolls.  I’m not even hungry and after I eat those things I feel like crap, because I shouldn’t have ate so much and I really want to make this work.

     Other than that, I’ve had a shitty day.  Do you ever have one of those days that everything is your fault?  That has been mine, from the time I got up until 10 minutes ago.  It started this morning bright and early when my daughter was arguing with me about her upcoming field trip.  We live in Ohio and her high school choir is going to NYC, well the school needed a nurse and I’m an LPN so I volunteered to go.  This was ok with my daughter 4 months ago, but it has been nothing but an arguement since.  The trip was over $500 a piece and we are only there for three full days, because I’m going she has to room with me, ride the bus with me and she is in the group of kids that I have to chaperone.  We found out yesterday morning that our group of girls was changed and now I have girls that she doesn’t even know.  I volunteered to just not go, I’m missing a week of school (I’m in a nursing program to get my BSN and will be missing my midterm to go), I don’t really want to “ruin” my daughter’s trip…  So I called the director and told her that I would prefer not to go, because in all honesty I want my daughter to have fun.  The director was not happy and she told me to at least think about it for another day.  So this brings us to this morning….  My daughter says before she leaves to go to school, “Just go, I’m going to be rooming with you and walking around with you because you decided to go in the first place.”  Immediately I’m pissed and told her that I would prefer to just not go so she can have fun.  She then tells me that I do this all the time when we go on trips together.  I told her that this is the only one that I have been really hesitant about going on and looked to my husband for confirmation and he says, “no you do this all the time.”  So in return I’m like, “thanks for throwing me under the bus.”  I left the house for school and so did my daughter with none of us speaking to each other.  I hate that, I hate leaving and being mad at anyone because who knows what might happen.

     While I’m in one of my classes at school I start to get a horrible migraine that lands me in the bathroom kissing the toilet bowl puking.  Frustrated because I’m over an hour away from home, because I go to college and we have nothing closer.  I ended up calling my husband to see if he can get me in to my doctor (I have over 15 migraines a month, but that is a whole other blog for a different day).  I make it home after several stops to expel everything left in my stomach and my vision is so bad at this point I am so thankful I made it home in one piece.  My son who is 9 gets home from school and can tell I have “another” headache, but shows me his school papers. 

     Here is where I screwed up as a parent again…. He pulls out a paper and it has a big “F” on it and he tells me it’s my fault because I didn’t go over these terms with him.  Needless to say there is no sense arguing with him, because I am wrong in his eyes.

     Due to my migraine I need someone to take me to the doctor, because he usually gives me an injection and I need a driver.  Here’s another screw up, because my husband told me that my daughter could take me.  ERROR! ERROR! She works with my husband and she walks through the door to bring me and says, “thanks a lot, because of your stupid headaches I get to miss another day of work.  This are so annoying!”  I try to thank her and apologize because I know they are annoying and frustrating.  This week they have been worse than usual and I’ve been get facet injections to see if I can undergo a procedure where they cut or burn the nerves in my neck. 

     After the doctor’s office and an injection we get into the car and Gabby says to me, “we need to get steak today so that you can cook them with your special mushrooms.”  These shots wipe me out and I told her that we would have to wait until tomorrow when I was feeling better.  That is screw up number 99 million of the day.  “Well we are in town now, why can’t we just pick them up?  You make everything so difficult.”  At 16 she knows everything and as I try to explain to her that steak is expensive and I would pick it up tomorrow, it really doesn’t matter because “all steak is the same.”  Which we all know is not the case.  She drove me home pissed.

     We get home and Gabby has to drive her brother to go visit his dad for the weekend and she is complaining now about the price of gas and the steak still.  She is driving MY car and using my gas, so I didn’t understand what the hell the problem was so I just sat there.  Drop off is finished and we get home and my husband is there.

     Here is the final screw up at least up until I write this blog.  Ryan (my husband) left me flowers and a card today (we have been doing little things for each other, to try to be sweet and show each other how much we love each other) I told him how much I loved it and said it was so thoughtful.  (It’s the first sweet thing he has done since I started giving him little notes or cards for the last couple of weeks).  He smiled and said, “No problem, I love you.”  Well Gabby says, “Wow that has to be the most spontaneous thing you have ever done” (she has an awesome relationship with him, even though it’s her stepdad).  Then she asked, “why did you even do it?”  So here is where I fail again and say, “we do it to keep the love alive.”  Obviously it wasn’t the right thing to say and he says, “I didn’t know it was dead.”  UGH!  Now we are at dinner and no one is talking.

     I’m not sure what I have done today that was the right thing.  I’m sure that we all have had days like these, but my goodness it pisses me off!  I know that I’m not perfect and that I don’t always do the right thing, but I don’t know.  I struggle with my weight and am working hard to look good and feel good.  Everywhere I look it seems like people are breaking up, people are cheating and people aren’t happy.  I look at pictures of who my husband has went out with in the past and they were stunning, then there is me….  I had two marriages that ended, the first one was because he was cheating on me for 5 years of the 7 years we were together and I had no idea.  The second my ex cheated on my off and on for years, before I caught him.  So I guess I really assume that’s how every relationship is going to be.  I feel like if I lose weight and look better, than I will feel better as well.  I know in my heart that this isn’t going to cure everything, but I don’t want to fail again.

     When things get tough the first thing I want to do is leave.  It’s all I know, it’s my flight or fight response and I don’t want to get hurt so that is how I protect myself.  I can’t picture Ryan leaving me and we have a great relationship, but I just feel like I want more.  I enjoyed being by myself and raising my kids.  I liked feeling like I was in control and now that there are two of us I don’t have that freedom.  When you are married decisions need to be made together and I understand that, it wouldn’t be right if things were one sided.  I just want him to look at me and desire me.  I don’t ever feel that way.  I’m not sure if anyone even understands what I’m trying to say…  When I was with my son’s father he looked at me and I knew he was attracted to me, people would look at me and I felt attractive.  Now I feel like a slug or just undesirable.  Stupid right?  I probably seem so superficial to you, but I just feel like I’ve lost everything when I gained this weight.

I will stop rambling.  I’m sure that someone out there can relate to me and in the mean time I will keep everyone up to date with my weighloss journey.  You know I once heard that if you can do something for 6 weeks then it becomes a habit, I don’t know if I truly believe that because I hate to exercise and can’t imagine it becoming a habit.  Who knows maybe I will find something that will make me jump out of bed and yell “hell yes I’m going to exercise today!” 

     Have a great weekend everyone!!!